National Bipolar Day

Once upon a time I would have reflected on past weeks as being the ‘well’ me. This judgement would stem from the incredible levels of productivity; my self worth being measured by the things I achieve each day. This ‘busy’ version of me has whispered a deadline to complete all our homemaking projects before the baby arrives in early October. It’s a deadline I’ve responded to well and the enormous list of unfinished projects is steadily toppling as I press on. Our home, inside and out, was a renovation project from the outset because this was all our pockets would allow. The episodes of depression year upon year have always stunted progress; that and the financial struggles that come with being unwell.

Since mid April I’ve advertised and sold 81 items on eBay, including some of our furniture and family car, raising the money needed to complete the projects. Seeing the progress has been truly rewarding. Working on these projects at home helped to give me back some of the confidence I lost to depression. Alongside our homemaking projects I have been working to revive the business. Again, with each episode of depression I lost projects and opportunities. The momentum is building again as bookings come in. I am relieved.

I suggested this was the ‘well’ me in action but an awareness of the mania phase of bipolar disorder suggests otherwise. I have more projects and commitments on the go than I can truly handle. I’m unable to sit and rest without feeling restless and driven to do something. My mind is busy all the time scanning for things that need my attention. I am never in the moment. When my body tires from all the doing I switch to planning and plotting future projects – unable to accept it is time to stop and rest. I get irritable with those around me especially when they are unable to keep up with my pace and see the need to hurry. And as rude as it may sound, when friends are talking to me I’m finding it really difficult to concentrate on what they are saying and hold my attention still.

During this period I have been a bad blogger, not publishing for more than 50 days. A few days ago the blog notched its first year, and I didn’t give it a thought. My busy mind has kept me from blogging – unable to tether myself to such an activity for any length of time. Even showering, shaving and cooking are filed under time wasting activities when so much more could be achieved in the same time. It is warped thinking, I know, but I feel a little out of control.

So why is it I have turned to the blog today? Well, just recently things have started to get a bit more difficult again. I put it down to tiredness at first, given that I’ve been pushing through when the body wants to quit. But there are a few things that together form something of a warning flag. I’ve had to talk myself into seeing other people, feeling an internal resistance to it, be they friends or customers. I’ve been getting really anxious, worrying about all sorts of things and feeling uneasy in myself. To manage this at work I’ve been rehearsing projects carefully and planning schedules and kit. It helps but I can still feel the internal, self made, stress. I’m eating a lot more chocolate and other sweet things and drinking coffee – using these types of foods when I feel the mental and physical inertia and need a boost. It’s a bad idea but the cravings are really overwhelming. I’m starting to feel the need to nap although I haven’t given into it yet. The fatigue is becoming heavier and it frightens me. Morning starts on Quetiapine have always been slow but increasingly I am unable to pick up my energy levels as the day goes on.

The dose of Quetiapine was clearly not sufficient to manage the manic phase – although I didn’t complain because I enjoyed the feeling of getting so much done. It may be that the dose isn’t quite right to manage the depressive episodes too. That said, I have a lot still to learn about this condition so that I can manage it in the future through other changes aside from medication.

Today is national bipolar day. Sounds like a good day to start learning.