Epiphany, But Slower

Life for us has changed and is continuing to change in so many ways. As I grew up, being taught to believe that there was a God, now and then life would bump up against those beliefs and things wouldn’t make sense. I borrowed my belief in God, rather than owning it for myself. When I was trying to put the pieces together after another major depression, I looked into following a religion. The internet and discussion threads are full with people who recommend God to others at times of illness. My father certainly seemed to think it would do me good.

For many, many years I have been a non-practising Muslim, and therefore in my eyes… not a Muslim at all; only one by birth, if such a thing exists. One by one, each of the rituals and laws fell away from my life… except the one about eating pork. I still don’t do that, although I offer no rational explanation for why I still avoid this meat and I place no importance on this fact. I’ve always been uneasy about not believing in God though. I suppose I’ve always hedged my bets, so that if one day it turned out there was a God I might still be able to argue my way into heaven. I wouldn’t even allow myself to quietly think that there was no God for fear that God would be listening. I’ve declared myself an agnostic in the past… which is a posh word for sitting on the fence. A word no doubt invented for boys to impress girls with.

Recently, and for the first time, I’ve have accepted and I am easy with the view that there is no God. I say this without any wish to influence others and without any delusion that I might be capable of doing so. I’m ok with the idea that there is no God. I am an atheist. I can say that now without looking over my shoulder. I am not any the poorer for living life as an atheist… I like still to make sense of the world and I do so the best I can. Along the way I get stuck sometimes because our knowledge and understanding is limited. But I’m open to ‘not knowing’ and not having all the answers, and feel no pressure to substitute ‘not knowing’ with anything else.

When Alicia was pregnant with Xavier, Alicia and I had discussion over a meal about how we would approach the subject of religion as parents. My parents are Muslims, Alicia believes in God but does not follow any one religion, and I was, at the time, not sure how to characterise myself. I’ve seen others take to religion when they had children, almost out of a necessity to gem up before turning teachers to their children. Having children does bring into sharp focus questions about what is right and wrong and many people find themselves dusting off their moral compass in readiness for parenthood. We decided then and there that for Xavier, religion was part of his cultural identify and we would welcome any religious instruction from all grandparents. That said, Alicia and I would just be ourselves with Xavier, and he would come to know our uncertainties and our own personal beliefs over time. It is easy to think that this is something that can be put off and won’t apply until he is much older, but life is rich with beliefs and ritual and celebration and remembrance. As much as I want him to one day find his own path, he will be impressionable and under the influence of religious belief for a long time before he chooses for himself.

Alicia and I do our best to make sure Xavier feels loved unconditionally, and feels safe and secure through the care, affection and protection we offer him. He is a confident and happy boy and a great companion. It is possible to be a good person without religion, and it is possible to establish a bedrock of feeling loved, safe an secure without religion. We do this through our relationship with him.

Without religious belief, or what people call spiritual belief, I take time to understand better what it is to be human. We are at once falling angels and rising primates. It is why I write and read so much about our unique human brains. Why I learn about biochemistry and neuroscience and psychology. Why I see human behaviour, and struggles and delights through this understanding. I want to learn about our sameness, our unique qualities, our beauty and our flaws. I’m interested in the way we have gone about constructing societies, where these societies originate, how they shape us and how we shape them. I feel like I’m lifting my head, like I’ve been trying to lift my head many times before and not quite made it. I feel prejudice and ignorance substituted with understanding and compassion. I’m sometimes very uneasy about what I see and the temptation is to once again keep one’s head down. But like a bite of the apple, there is no going back. We look… try and better our understanding, and try to steer a path that we can live with. Life for us has changed and is continuing to change in so many ways.