Mornings

I feel like life is falling apart slowly. Unravelling itself. Every day a thousand thoughts pop into my head. Some unhappy memories, some thoughts about my situation and the hole I’m in… and sometimes a thought about the future. I’m drowning in these thoughts… and keeping them under control is a full time occupation. At times when it gets too much I just hit out… with words… with fists. I long for peace.

I think about Rye… the horrible conversations I had with Ann… makes me feel awful just writing her name. I think about my business… how I’m struggling to meet the schedule and the needs of my customers. I should be so happy with the sheer quantity of work coming my way but instead I’m overwhelmed and constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul in excuses for why this or that isn’t done yet. My relationships with family are broken… I can’t have a conversation without it descending into an argument… I’m at the edge of argument like a fuse ready to blow. I don’t mean Alicia or Xavier… they are my real family and my saviours. My very own heroes.

I have customers waiting on me to do jobs, provide estimates… invoices… its all falling apart. It’s like I’m self destructing… ripping apart all forms of support and everything I’ve created. I’m terrified of seeing people I really care about and love for fear that I’ll argue with them too and push them away. I’m a ticking bomb.

The bills keep coming, but it’s been a while since the money has come in.

The sun is shining and work is waiting. I wear and immovable furrowed brow… the outward sign of the inner turmoil. My eyes are dark, the lights are off.

When the phone rings or there is a knock at the door I freeze and wait for it to stop.

There has to be a better way to start the day. There has to be a way to raise momentum and sustain it. But like the hamster on the wheel I am busy spinning thoughts and fighting them off… and slowly it wears me down… and it feels like I need the strength of two men to both keep up the fight and make some dent in the day before me.