Having the approval of others is something I have chased; it’s all part of who I was, and the mould I came from. When you have a feeling of worthlessness at your core, you need to find a way to get by… to live with it. For me, it was to have my worth confirmed by others.
I won’t pretend that it is easy to be this honest with myself. The truth is that what started as a child chasing approval and praise turned into an entire career. People climb the career ladder for different reasons; what I heard was people saying… ‘You could do that’, ‘you might be good at that’… and whilst that is lovely to hear and encouraging… it was more than that to me. I would only have to hear those words to start chasing the next thing. A career built on vanity.
I wasn’t really in control. Like any junky, it was all about the fix and when you got one you’d start thinking about the next. Trying to please other people made me hard working and determined… but it also must have been a source of anxiety as the wants of different people don’t add up, and pleasing people becomes complex.
I’d like to think that I’m reformed now. In truth, I wake up in the morning and look at this face in the mirror and tell myself, today I’m not going to measure my worth by what others think of me. The approval dealers are everywhere… Facebook, Twitter, Blogger… it is so easy to click a friend, pick up a follower, and in doing so inhale a little more approval; that comforting, self-affirming admission into the pack and recognition over invisibility.
Even writing this blog, I have to remind myself that I have gained so much strength and clarity from taking a moment each day to empty my head and make something from the mess. It isn’t about who is following and reading. In therapy there was a tendency on my part to try and be a ‘good’ patient. Opportunities are everywhere to give this part of my character the oxygen it craves, so I keep reminding myself, talk myself down, catch myself. It’s a nanny state in my head until I can trust myself to act in the interests of good mental health.
I also recently discovered I'm a people pleaser. It's a little disconcerting because I would never have described myself this way. Now that I know though, I've been consciously trying to change it. The biggest thing I have been practicing is that it's o.k. for my kids to be mad at me, in fact it's better than letting them treat me like a doormat. Everything I learn about myself, every insight that comes to me is a baby step to recovery.
ReplyDeleteYou put this really well, Med. I always knew that I get a HUGE boost (maybe a high?) with every "well done" and every acheivement, but I never really thought of myself as a "people pleaser" because I always thought that meant that it was about making the other person happy, and I've always known that I'm only looking to delight them so that they can, in turn, tell me how great I am. When I don't get that or, god forbid, get the reverse, it's meltdown time. You are so right about the social networks; someone "unfriended" me last week, and it freaked me out in a way that was unreasonable, considering that this was done by an aquaintence whom I don't actually care for all that much...interesting. Anyway, thanks for all your insight. Your post was super helpful to me--sort of a mirror.
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