Quetiapine Days

I’ve been on Quetiapine for 12 days. Quetiapine, pronounced kwe-TYE-a-peen, boy have I struggled with saying that. Swallow whole, do not chew, take one at night (8pm) an hour before food or on an empty stomach, may cause drowsiness, avoid alcohol. That’s what the ugly printed message on the squashed white box says.  Well, on the 50mg starter dose I think I’ve eaten my way to the next trouser size up - the lack of mirrors in our home is a blessing. The raised appetite thing might be undesirable, but it is expected. I’ve been struggling a little with taking the pasty pink tablet according to the instructions because of the raised appetite – I don’t think I have an empty stomach any more but for those few minutes before breakfast. Sorry, I think talking about my appetite like this all sounds a bit grotesque… but you know what… it is – a little.

Morning starts on Quetiapine can be slow. The first seven days I slept a lot, a couple of times joining the rest of the family on days out in Dorset, very much at my own slowed pace. The feeling of fatigue was offset at times by a lightness to my mood – I think connected to being away from anxieties and the rest that the medication imposed on me.

Every day, as the Fluoxetine wears off and before it is time to take the Quetiapine, my mood sinks and I become irritable, impatient and aggressive. It is a time when, regardless of the day’s progress, I am likely to become overwhelmed by events and recoil into myself. Having picked up on this, I try and keep myself from others in the late afternoon - because the ensuing arguments are inevitably my fault.

On Saturday, I shone through quite unexpectedly. I bolted from the bedroom, showered and walked the dogs with Xavier before breakfast. In that single day a lot was achieved. I picked up ingredients and made delicious Mediterranean meals for lunch and dinner. During the day Xavier and I went out to the playground where we both clambered up the rope nets, rode the zip wire and swept back and forth on the tyre swing. We made a visit to the sheds at the top of the garden and collected a small haul of objects that had been in storage since we moved here four years ago. When the weather held out we returned, after lunch, to play basketball and eat a 99 from the ice cream van on the West Hill whilst we looked out over the fishing fleet. After that we still mustered the energy and enthusiasm for a game of football on the artificial pitch next to the playground. I felt driven by a curious restlessness, and big plans were forming inside me that spread out into the imaginary days and weeks ahead.

The next day I was propelled along in much the same way by a taut, uneasy spring, But my mood was starting to buckle. I photographed some of our furniture and put it on ebay to bring in some much needed cash. This is time consuming but given that it will hopefully raise several hundred pounds – it’s worth getting right. People don’t easily part with that kind of money over a photograph. Xavier and I played with the pair of whistling spinning tops we had found in the shed the previous day, followed by games of dominoes and snakes and ladders – two of his current favourites. We have yet to try out the wooden balloon powered boat we found. Late into the evening the frantic activity continued as I fought off the sedative effect of the medication to post here just before midnight.

After that the bottom fell out of my world again and I went back to being the heavy, slow moving, bedroom dwelling creature that sits and stares at the nothingness. I collected refills for my medication today at the surgery and the Quetiapine goes up to 100mg tonight. I’m glad I had those two days where I could be more myself without employing strategies to get through each moment. Everything is uncertain. I just make it to the next day. This is not a time to be drawing conclusions, because day to day things can be so very different. Just go with it, keep writing it down, keep communicating with the team of different professionals. Revel in the times when I surface and sit tight when things are hard. This is mid process and nobody knows what’s going to happen next, sounds kind of exciting put like that doesn’t it.