Tick Tock

I am on the climb upwards. These depressive episodes are like descending into a deep cleft in the Earth, being swallowed up by the dirt, followed by a climb up a slippery, brittle, shale elevation – the steps forward interrupted by frequent backslides of smooth, broken rock. I am enjoying the advances and despite the instability of the ground beneath my feet, I am able to look down, and see that I am making good progress. I am functioning now, even though that might be within the confines of my own home in the main. Functioning is to leave the bed and the bedroom, shower and dress, prepare meals and communicate. Actually I’m more than functioning. I have been taking the dogs for walks each day, and I have taken on chores around the house, starting to get things tidy again. I’ve spent time with my Xavier and Alicia, cooked for them and cared for them both - as they did for me.

I am still taken away each day by my own thoughts, the rumination of depression, starts are stalled, progress is halted, activity suspended, energy evaporated, but each time I am now able to get going again, eventually. I am able to ‘talk myself away from the edge’ in a way that seemed completely impossible these past months. Months! Has it been that long? The suspended life of the depressive… so deep inside thought that not even the clock can be heard ticking, counting second after identical second of cocooned existence.

All those months ago my GP made a referral after I found myself in his office again, head in hands. I think you’ll know from reading here that I have been willing throughout the fight with each depressive episode. Each time practising what I have learnt, and learning more along the way. Each time making realisations and changes to protect us, my family and I, from depression’s destructive influence. I have been a good student, so it was in frustration that back then I approached my GP to discuss another slide downwards. Reading across these posts it is astonishing to see how I have changed since that first big crash, and how much we have changed the way we live our lives as a family. Depression and our fight with it has destroyed a career and created a business, brought us closer together as a family, brought understanding friends into that family, left unsympathetic relatives out in the cold, threatened us with financial ruin but opened our eyes to different, more fulfilling ways of living, slowed the pace of life. Where we once strove for happiness that came in the form of successful shopping trips, now we strive for good health and moments where we can be ourselves, together as a family. Hang onto your good health if you have it; you will miss it if it abandons you and it is worth more than you realise.

On Wednesday somebody called from the Health In Mind team to do an initial assessment over the telephone. This service provided my cognitive behaviour therapy in the past. They’ll consider what we discussed and come back to me in a week. It’s a little frustrating to be telling them the story all over again, from the start. It's a long story. I’m not looking for more CBT and I hope that isn’t where they are going. As I say, I was a good student and I use the CBT learning where I can. But, given the cycling nature of these depressive episodes and how hard we have worked to stay well, I want to know if my diagnosis is correct. Depression comes in many forms. If it is bipolar disorder for example (what used to be called manic depression characterised by highs and lows) it will be medicated differently.

All I know is that I have to press quite hard right now to get help. Health professionals, understandably, don’t always appreciate the landscape of things beyond one's health. Emotions aside, this most recent episode of depression has taken us close to the edge financially, missed mortgage payments, suspended utility bills, bank charges. Our tiny reserves were used up fighting the difficult times before that. We have communicated and renegotiated payment plans for what we now owe…and the pressure is on to be well and working hard to claw our way back. Tick… Tock… If and when depression strikes again, our financial position will become even more challenging - how challenging will just depend on its timing. That is the backdrop to our story and it gives us a sense of urgency... to be proactive, diagnosed and treated correctly and on a path towards health, or if not, at least to have a better understanding of my ill health so we can plan our lives accordingly. I have frequently swung between health and major depression for several years now, and it's taken its cumulative toll on us. We are flexible, we are a family of fighters, and we have fought unpredictable event after event. We're just being smart, there isn't much left in the tank now and another fight would really hurt us bad. Its time to look to the corner for some help. Let's hope they appreciate what sort of shape we are in.