Discipline

I’ve just sat down with Alicia and we filled out a thought record together… a CBT technique that helps to get things into proportion. My fear has been the dominant emotion and it’s making my choices for me. I’m not going anywhere until I face fear. So I sit down with the form and read the headings in all the little boxes and I feel my forebrain gearing up… relieved to finally have some footing and contribute to this debate that has so far been dominated by my amygdala.

I’ve just glanced down at the dogs stretched out beside me as I write this. They are both curly white Bichons and Charlie is resting her head on Molly’s back. For a moment I am puzzled… Charlie seems tiny and squashed. Then I realize and chuckle to myself. I have muddled what I am seeing… unable to tell where one dog finishes and the other starts. Clarity is restored.

It’s a bit like that sometimes when I have trouble distinguishing between thoughts and feelings and muddle them. I can get things out of proportion.

So here is my thought record sheet. It isn’t pretty… or clever… but it is very practical and helpful, to me at least.

Situation

I’m trying to get to work… in fact just trying to leave the house.

Feelings

I’m dressed for work. I feel an intense fear; I’m glued to the spot.

Unhelpful thoughts / images

What went through my mind was ‘I’ve failed’; ‘I’ve let my customer down’; ‘I haven’t lived up to my word’; ‘I can’t be trusted to do anything’; ‘I can’t even support my family’. These thoughts are me responding to my own negative predictions about the future and I’m mind reading negative thoughts in other people. The effect is that my core beliefs are being activated… my buttons are being pushed and the mean things I’m saying to myself add up to me being worthless.

What’s the worst thing that could happen – other people could judge me negatively and I would have to deal with that. I could live with that.

Facts that support the unhelpful thought

Well, I haven’t been there all week; and I haven’t been there all last week either; I promised I would be there this week.

Facts that provide evidence against the unhelpful thought

I’ve almost finished the job; I’ve done a good job; My customer has been kind and understanding; she said ‘you take as long as you need Med, it’s cool’; she rang mid week to ask me to do some more work.

Alternative, more realistic and balanced perspective

Med is full of hope for getting better and he is up and down, so sometimes he misjudges / overestimates what he can do.  He needs to pace himself; he’s getting better; the job is almost finished; one more week won’t make much difference – it’s not the end of the world.  His health is the most important thing.  Beating himself up this way is overreacting – it’s not that big a deal.

Outcome

I feel hopeful and calmer, the fear is subsiding.  Next time I can avoid making promises, given that I am not that great at judging things at the moment. I could have mentioned how things were going on Wednesday when we spoke on the phone but it’s still not the end of the world.  I won’t set myself up with expectations and then beat myself up when I can’t meet them; I’ll just go with the flow.