Anyone Seen Mehdi?

I have been discovering how I get on with my new medication. Things are still in free fall.

This morning I found myself drifting in and out of a catatonic state. My movements slowed until my shoulders sank into my body, my back curled and muscles came to rest...slumped. Seemingly unable or unwilling to move, I would freeze… regardless of whether I was standing, sitting or lying down. I could hear Alicia moving in the room around me and sensed that her plans for the day were quickly falling apart. She talked to me and at times it didn’t seem possible to answer. When I could talk it was only to repeat what she was saying to me. She watched patiently as I stopped and started, encouraging me back into action each time I stalled. She helped to dress me, and somehow managed to get our family out of the door. She is made of strong stuff… I think they call it love.

Mornings like that remind me why I had to give up my job and become self employed. Employers don’t like ups and downs, and trying to maintain relationships with them just adds to the stress of working through depression.

There was a point this morning when I looked at myself in the mirror like a stranger, tugging and pulling at my face as though trying to get past the mask and see me again. It has been a while since I’ve taken any trouble over my appearance, and over the last six months my weight has ballooned. Don’t feel like me, don’t look like me… who the hell am I today?