Fighting Talk

When the fog of depression clears, getting back to normal becomes its own challenge. Here is what I would like to be able to do now that I’m feeling quite a bit better: I’d like to be able to answer a telephone; to go back to work; and to answer the door when it knocks unexpectedly. I’d like to be able to have a conversation with Alicia about work without scurrying from the room or reaching for my cigarettes.

What is slowing me up is fear, and not even real world fear, this is just imagined fear that my brain is responding to with a quickened heart beat and a petrified body. I read in an article that the area of the brain responsible for memory may not in fact be designed for this sole purpose. The images we are capable of forming need not be memories… as we know. We are capable too of imagining futures and alternatives and possibilities that do not yet exist. In doing so humans are able to consider difficulties before they arise and plan before acting; a characteristic that has certainly helped with our survival for many thousands of years.

But for each evolutionary advantage, there is typically a draw back, and in this case my imagination is able to create all sorts of negative futures, triggered in response to simple things such as a ringing telephone. In an instant the ring of the telephone sets of a response in my brain that leads to an immediate physical change.

So what am I actually afraid of? Well, I’m afraid that when I arrive I’ll be judged – that people might be confrontational… that there might be someone with an axe to grind on the end of the phone… or that the knock at the door is somebody that ominously wants a ‘word’ with me. How likely are these events… well… not very. They are more than just imagined, they are fantastical!

My GP had an interesting take on fear. When I put it to him that I had to overcome my fear to get back to normal… he challenged me. “Overcome” he said, leaning back into his chair and clasping his hands together. “I’m not sure it is a case of overcoming it. When a soldier is trained in the army to brush his teeth, stand up straight and follow other such orders on command, it because one day the command will come to go over the top and run in the direction that the bullets are coming from. Anyone would have to be a fool not to be fearful in that situation. But the soldier must do it, despite his fear. And that is what his training has been about; teaching him to act despite his fear.” I must have one of the deepest, most reflective GP’s of anyone!

What boxing trainer Cus D'Amato taught Michael Gerard Tyson was the psychology of fighting:

“Cus would watched me … he didn't let me box he would just talk to me for two or three weeks about fighting and then the psychology of fighting, and what fighting was truly about. Fighting was nothing physical, it was all spiritual and he would say if you don't have the spiritual, spiritual warrior in you then you'll never be a good fighter, I don't care how big and strong you are. He explained that to me.”

                                                                        Mike Tyson, Tyson (the movie), 2008

This led to the incredible, unflinching stare that Tyson gave his opponents as he stood in the ring before a fight. He would walk around the ring but never take his eyes off his opponent. And the moment his opponent broke that eye contact, the fight was over, before even the first punch had been thrown.

So… I figure the longer I wait for fear to be ‘overcome’ somehow, the more the fear grows. I’m not going to overcome it; I’m just going to face it instead. After all, it’s just a ringing phone, right?