Some good things have happened over the last two days. I’ve given myself a break, given myself permission to focus on getting better and in doing so silenced the ticking clock for the moment.
Alicia and I have taken the dogs for more wonderful walks. Whilst they do tire me out, I find they bump up my energy levels by the evening. These days, I’m not quite up to getting myself out the door, and the last thing I need is my own company, but with Alicia it becomes possible.
The walks bring me more than exercise; I’m going to keep it up. It is something I used to do regularly, but typically when life gets busier then I abandon the things in life I find pleasurable. It’s one of my bad habits. Walks give me some quality time with Alicia, time with nature, sunshine, and I get to see the dogs looking happy and exhausted. We take it one step at a time, together. Afternoons like today are small but important victories for us… it’s all about the hope. If there is hope, the rest will follow.
Once again, I picked up my old copy of Muhammad Ali’s Soul Of A Butterfly, to break my train [crash] of thought, and read through the first 50 pages again. Alicia confessed to planting it within easy reach of the bed, clever girl. His is an amazing story and reading about someone else’s struggle and the strength they’ve gained from their journey adds to my hope and cements my resolve to get better. For a little while I have to confess that suicide was starting to seduce me again, and I’m glad I got past that.
I’m lucky to have a few friends and family who check in on my from time to time, by phone and text. They keep me from the isolation and loneliness that would make things so much worse. There are some people who aren’t so helpful to be around, and I’m keeping well away from them.
Depression attacks my feelings of self-worth, my confidence, my courage, my motivation and my hope. It’s what makes recovering and helping myself so hard. Staying in touch with friends, emptying my thoughts into this blog, and getting some activity back into my life are prising the lid off this prison once again. And with some light forcing its way in, I’ve started to turn my attention to what I’m eating.
There is a plan forming, and although I could sit down and formulate the grandest and most foolproof escape from depression, past experience has taught me to start small and build on from there. The easiest of tasks when I am well are difficult right now, not impossible, just difficult. It is a fragile recovery, and there are many minor setbacks each day. Each one is an opportunity to give in. But I don’t, I haven’t… I’m still here and if tomorrow is only the same as today that will be a triumph.
Lately I have been feeling less than triumphant because I am napping everyday despite full nights' sleep. My husband reminds me that getting out of bed and getting one thing done is sometimes a huge triumph. I too have had grand plans for "curing", "fighting", "beating" depression but like you have learned to start small and take my success when, where and how they come.
ReplyDeleteI agree, getting out of bed some days is a big deal. It takes courage and determination and seems to take every ounce of strength. I found some medications I've been on really hindered 'good starts' because of their sedative effects.
ReplyDeleteNaps are Ok though aren't they? I read that 30mins to an hour is ok. Better to have a nap in the afternoon than to disrupt your waking routine by sleeping in... and found that sunlight and fresh air can be useful when fighting off a nap.
Good to hear from you Jojesek.