Valentine

Do you know what I hate about depression most? It isn't the torture of living in my own head. It isn't the difficulty I have bringing myself to wash and dress. It isn't the fear I feel every time the telephone rings. It isn't the constant feeling of exhaustion. It is that yesterday, when Alicia looked at me, her eyes mirrored mine and I knew she could see and feel the love I have for her. Whereas today, those same eyes reflected back an emptiness. Alicia, the person I love and treasure more than anything,  would find it hard to feel that love through this depression. It is a wall between us.

I don't wish for much, not really. I want to wake before her and walk the dogs. Get the kettle on and cook her some breakfast. She deserves a little breakfast in bed. I want her to see me smiling at her in the morning, the way my heart is towards her. I'd lay her clothes on the radiator to warm, and brush her sleepy locks aside so that her eyes could feel the morning. She is a sleeping princess. We would talk about the day ahead just the way she likes to. It puts her at ease, she likes to know the shape of the day ahead. I want her to hold her close like my life depends on it and make plans together. Dream the future together. Joke about how many children we will have and giggle at what mischievous grandparents we'll make.

I found my Alicia and we fell in love. Depression takes me out of this body far away from her, from everybody. The empty shell left behind looks like me. Sometimes it even flickers back to life. But the rest of the time it is just an immovable weight between us. I am somewhere beyond those dark eyes. Out there somewhere. In distress. And through the windows of those eyes I watch her heart breaking. It breaks us both.

I'm trying to make it back to you Alicia. I'm trying to reach you my love.