Intermission

I know that medication isn't the answer but for all its shortcomings it has still helped. So why now am I again paralysed by depression? Has the medication just stopped working again?

In the past crashes were helped by switching to another product... altering dosages. I haven't been long on fluoxetine yet the wheels fall off again. So what next? I've been referred to a psychologist ... perhaps their apothecary cabinet will be more extensive. It will be many weeks before an appointment comes through. Right now life is suspended in aspic. I can hear the clock ticking on the chest of drawers. It's now the afternoon, although indistinguishable from the morning. The bright sunlight at the bedroom window isn't making it to my soul. I can feel another day slipping away.
Still, the evening has yet to start and if the pattern of things repeats itself the prison doors will open and I'll be permitted my daily exercise.
...
Several hours have passed since I wrote this. It is mid afternoon. The world is still turning. It hasn't waited for me. I've been left behind again. I wish I could drag myself from this place. I can't even write today.
...
It's the evening now. I discovered a wonderful blog that you too can find at http://lesism.blogspot.com/. When I couldn't find the energy or motivation to write, thankfully I could still read. I was reminded in reading a few of Les Floyd's posts that there is a way out of this. Anabel and many others did say that I beat this once before, and I can do it again. I have been reading Les Floyd's blog along with some of my own old posts, from around the time I wrote breadcrumbs and things were just starting to turn around. On reading, I began to remember how it was that escaped the last time round. I have made changes, many changes, since then as a consequence of what I learnt but I can also see old habits have crept in once again. On reflection, in all the anguish of today, I have not spent a single minute of today anchored in the moment. At least, not until now. Instead I dwelt a great deal on the past and cringed at thoughts of the future. I imagined other realities that I couldn't know to be true, realities about what other people thought for instance. I was making myself unwell with all that thinking and I couldn't stop it from hurting me. Thank you Les, I needed to realise that again.

I am on my feet again, right now. I feel like I could be on my feet again tomorrow. Before the day ends, I'm going to write a few things down for myself. The fog will be back in the morning and it will be harder to focus without the help of a few words. I think I know what I need to tell myself. See you in the morning.