One Little Thing

There is an advert running at the moment for Tropicana orange juice. What I like about it is the way the first few moments of the morning are depicted. The children's limbs look loose with sleep. The adults seem to be functioning with their eyes closed. None of these people make waking look easy. They are not the people who wake at 5.30 to run, gym and shower before eating muesli and heading off to be the CEO of a multi national. They look like real people, right up to the point in the advert where they drink the juice anyhow. Then it descends into images of bicycles and surfboards and people staring into the distance with purpose.

Those initial sleepy images reminded me that there are many ways to wake and start the day. The first step is the hardest isn't it, I just need to find the first step that works for me. I realised that the first steps I had in my head weren't first steps at all ... they were further down the line than that and with my present frailty - they too easily overwhelmed me. I said to myself last night... tomorrow when you wake just put the kettle on... that's all. Don't worry about dressing or even what you are going to do when the kettle boils. Just get to the kettle and put it on.

A bad dream woke Xavier early on in his sleep and he joined us in our bed for the rest of the night. He's always welcome... which one would worry would lead to him always sleeping in with us but it hasn't turned out that way, he likes his space too. So he slept soundly beside me and I woke early, as usual, with anxious thoughts. With Xavier there I could just hold his sleeping frame close, rest my head into his soft mop of hair and breath in.

When he woke, he snuggled in and shortly after put on a little firework display for me - shooting his tiny clenched fist up from the bed covers into the air and then splaying his fingers with a bang, and then a crackle as they came to rest on the duvet once again. It was a beautiful display and it captured my attention. I was ready to do my one little thing, and I raised myself up to put the kettle on. I didn't ask myself to be jolly or talkative or playful or even helpful. I just put the kettle on, that's all.

For some time Xavier and I have been working on him dressing himself and he is getting really good. The stop start progress has more to do with my not functioning very well at the moment. Today, after breakfast, he confidently took himself upstairs with a collection of action figures and set about dressing himself for the day whilst I did the same in my own room. I was so proud of him... he managed everything but for those trickly little socks and as usual didn't feel it cold enough to put his jumper on quite yet. For both of us, getting dressed this morning was a significant accomplishment.

I learnt a good few things this morning. I am not a morning person and that's OK. If I am not jolly Alicia will understand. If I don't feel awake enough to play, Xavier will understand too; I won't go to parent boot camp for letting him watch a little telly first thing. Making a hot drink is enough to be getting on with at first. I love Alicia deeply, she has her own emotional ups and downs and I'm better able to support her with that later in the day.

There were plenty of opportunities for set backs this morning and Alicia and I will need to talk later about what we can expect from eachother emotionally at the start of the day. She is a wonderful and complex person... I wouldn't have her any other way.

Now I've blogged it is time for the next little thing. Thank you to the many people who have encouraged me this morning ... it means a great deal to have you all there with me.