Today is turning out be another hard day. The prospect of doing anything that involves leaving the bed fills my limbs with lead. My pack, Alicia, Xavier, Molly and Charlie have been with me for most of the afternoon. On this bed, or is it a life raft, or is it a prison. It is kind of them to join me here but now conversation has turned to what they will do next and I feel incapable of joining in. Once again I am recoiling into this blog.
Alicia is having a difficult time again and shares those difficulties with me. I don't what to for about that. I know things are extremely hard for her with my being unwell. I feel completely responsible and at the same time unable to help. I don't think I'm the right person for her to talk to about these things right now. Not only can I not help, I also feel myself crumple under the impact of what she has to share. She needs someone else she can depend on to be there and be supportive of her as she needs it. Ordinarily that is what we do for each other but not right now, it just feeds the depression with more guilt.
We have, as I write, just argued about this. I can't be her support right now. Not in this case. Not where my thoughts can attribute all her difficulties to me so that in listening the ground falls away beneath me.
Alicia is a true heroine, but you've said that many times on your blog. Does she get any professional support too? I'm so helplessly and hopelessly out of my depth even offering advice. All I can say is that all your readers are behind you... both. I don't know what else I can offer in way of help, only that if you think of anything, just ask!
ReplyDeleteStaying in touch with friends like you Rocket counts for a lot... hope you know how much we both appreciate hearing from you and what a support you are. Thank you. Things will get better. Just difficult for things to be 'messy' at the moment. Alicia will deeply appreciate what you say here, and we found some supportive words this evening to help us take a step back and consider what is happening from a more objective and sympathetic perspective. We are lucky to have so many good people in our lives.
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