The pursuit of happiness is one in which I am gaining ground. Mindfulness is for Jon Kabat-Zinn to explain, and I couldn’t convey it as he does. I can only share what I understand for myself.
Do you ever look at others with depression and see that they have a home, a job, a loving family, possibly children, and wonder what it is they are depressed about? I’m sure you accept that depression is an illness and not to be confused with an emotion - but doesn’t part of you wonder why they can’t see they have every reason to be happy, joyful and thankful? I think that too… for people like me, with depression, it is a deep well of guilt. We look at our own lives and cannot justify the way we feel, the sadness and despair and hopelessness. I can explain it away with science, but, what I would rather understand better is how to reach out to all that is around me, all that you can see, all that would bring me joy if only I could see it.
To see what is around me, and take a step towards personal happiness, I needed to step away from my own thoughts. I think of the wiring inside me a little like this: Thoughts are really powerful. Just with a thought I can close my eyes and be anywhere and with anyone. We know this best when we dream. With my thoughts plugged in, I am lit up inside with pictures and sounds, and whatever I see and hear stirs my emotions. I go from thinking, to feeling too. Feeling all sorts of powerful emotions like grief, loss, sorrow and fear, just because of the thoughts inside my head. Depression has this connection between my thoughts and feelings firmly screwed home; it isn’t a feed that is easily broken. But alongside this strong connection there is another, slightly wobbly cable labelled senses. If I could tweak this cable into action I might be able to give my emotions something else to stimulate them; to divert their attention from my thoughts.
In essence, my practicing mindfulness is just that, tweaking the cable that connects me to my senses so that I can appreciate what is around me and be absorbed by it. Like the loose power cable plugged into the back of my laptop, some days I make the connection in a matter of minutes, other days it can frustrate me for some time as it drops in and out of place. It can be exhausting, but it is definitely worth persevering with.
A week ago I awoke and, as has become habit, spent a little while in the quiet company of my own breath, just feeling the air pass through my nostrils and expand my chest. This exercise is helping me to strengthen the connection between senses and feelings. I am, in that moment, not striving for the next or dwelling on the last. I am simply the sensation of breathing, experienced though the senses. The thoughts come but they go again, like the sounds of children in a distant playground. Occasionally they do interrupt and I don’t always notice straight away. But when I do notice, I bring my attention back to my breathing and let the thoughts be, without berating myself for having let my attention wander. On that day a week ago, after this exercise, when I open my eyes, I felt an immovable smile on my face, a peace across my forehead, a compassion in my eyes. It stayed with me all day, a feeling I could only sum up as a sublime happiness brought on by a deep inner peace.
That day, Xavier and I had many interesting conversations, and we played as though nobody else was there to see or judge. We enjoyed everything that we did and gave ourselves to each moment. I realise now that Xavier does this all the time, instinctively. It is why hunger catches him by surprise, why he never wants to go to sleep, why he spends so much time under the shower with his head raised up and his eyes peacefully closed. I suppose we all knew nothing but the moments once, before we started learning to name things, and then learning to judge them… we have all perhaps been mindful children.
Not everyday is like that one, but every moment I have the opportunity to return myself to a state of inner peace and be awake in the moment. That is surely the most uplifting, optimistic, hopeful forecast that anyone with depression, or anyone for that matter, could hope for.
One of the main things I'm attempting to do with my life is to remember how to be a mindful child in the sense that I was when I was younger. They say each of us is really our ten year old self, before we learned to name and judge things, as you mentioned. We still Are those children. How we responded to the world then is how we can still respond to it - with wonder, attentiveness and trust. It is an ongoing practice for me, some days easier than others, but I'm getter better at it all the time. Thank you for this great reminder. Have a wonderful, peaceful day.
ReplyDeleteWonder, attentiveness and trust - that's beautiful. Made me smile a deep smile. Wishing you many wonderful, peaceful days of practice ahead.
DeleteHello Med,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand you when you say how can people with a job, family and loved ones be depressed. I often forget the things I have and achieved during the years. I started working at a very young age and achieved things my parents didn't. From a brand new car to a flat to help my family live more peacefuly. My dad never did anything for us, just bring the bear necesities. He never had ambition or caution to get a house for the future, or save, or nothing. His concentration was getting as drunk as possible every single day.
I feel a bit better now from my relapse, but often think things. I need to be more aware, as you say, of my senses.
Take care, and speak soon!
Linda
Great to hear from you. Glad you are having better days, I know it's all relative and I'm sure it will be a little while before you really feel like yourself but every step counts, right.
DeleteIf you feel up to it. Write a little about the better days so that your blog rises and falls with you. On your difficult days it will be rewarding to look back see that you beat depression sometimes. It might also gives some clues as to what you find helpful to have in your own self help kit.
You take care too, and good luck with taping into those senses. So worth it. Stay in touch. Med